How To Piss Off Your Waiter

When it comes to the restaurant industry, there are very few people who bear the brunt of work like waiters do. They field complaints from clients, they act as a go-between for the chefs, and they have to lug around large trays for hours on end. Waiting tables is a brutal job, really. It’s underpaid, too.

As a food critic, I have a lot of reason to respect waiters. I also know what ticks them off, and how to be a good guest. Waiters who get good guests give great service and might even give you a free drink.

Being a bad restaurant visitor has its penalties, which can range from being asked to leave to having your food spat in. Want to anger your waiter and be “that guest?” Try these aggravating steps below…

1. Bring your screaming, ill-behaved toddlers to the restaurant. They’re so precious, right? Of course they are. No one will notice the high-pitched, ear-splitting shrieking they make. Their running around won’t trip anyone carrying a tray at all. Why just ruin dinner for your waiter, when everyone can be inconvenienced?
2. Be obnoxiously loud. Yes, everyone needs to hear your conversation. It is so damned important!
3. Ask for things that are not on the menu, and ask for substitutions when they aren’t allowed. Go ahead! The restaurant’s business model can’t handle it, but don’t let that stop you from arguing with your waiter over the “customer is always right” rule. It’s not like they have other tables to wait or want to avoid a scene, right?
4. Berate your waiter for not bringing out the food fast enough, or doing something wrong. It is a scientific fact that waiters don’t have feelings and that they control everything that goes on in the kitchen. In fact, they can speed up time to make your 30-minute dinner prep shrink to 5 seconds flat.
   
    If you aren’t getting served at the speed of light, go ahead and turn your waiter into a personal punching bag. Dates love this behavior because it makes you look so nice!
5. Speaking of dates, why not get handsy with them? Everyone knows waiters have a legit crush on everyone they serve and are not obligated to be nice to you at all. Personal boundaries? Nah, go ahead and reach for them. It won’t be a dick move, right?
6. Leave the table a total mess. It’s not like they have to clean it up, right? It’s not like cleaning could hold other diners up while they wait for food, either. Oh, wait, right. They DO!
7. Pick a fight with them, then complain to management in order to get food for free. Go ahead, Karen. We all know you can’t afford to eat out without doing this trick and taking tips out of innocent waiters’ pockets.
8. Don’t tip. Waiters earn less than $3 an hour in wages. Why would they need a tip? Don’t you know? They aren’t human and therefore do not need to eat. They get nutrition, housing, and medical care by sitting in the sun like a plant. It’s photosynthesis.